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Intercarbuncle

Interview with author Lance Carbuncle.


DA

What are some of your most important aesthetic influences?

LC

My dentist once told me he was going to use aesthetics on me but I still felt it when he drilled into my tooth. Aesthetics are bullshit.

DA

What’s your view on fracking, if done by elbow?

LC

Fracking is just fine as long as it’s consensual and everybody knows the safe word.

DA

Would you like this interviewtf more if it had another title, like “No, Sir-iously,” or “’Have you explained your pupils to the cloud?’ I asked my ex-mom. But she was without vigor, she just stayed very calm and revised myhermy strangeness over and over again”?

LC

I would prefer not to name the interview, but instead to let it discover its own identity. I would prefer it if this interview were conducted in an eyebrow-threading kiosk in the mall and all communications were conducted through flatulence and olfactory sensations.

DA

You don’t have to be gay to find penises fascinating. The comedy „Superbad,“ for instance, features some funky dickophilia moments. What do you think about enhancing (or encocking) classic films the way you enhance (or encock) newsies? Oskar Schindler smoking a dickarette, for fuck’s sake?

LC

How about Jesus being scourged with penises in The Last Temptation of Christ?

DA

What is the most (experimental) piece of art you’ve ever enjoyed?

LC

I put a tutu on my German shepherd and took her to the dog park. When a woman asked me my dog’s name, I said, “What’s your name?” She told me her name was Sue. I said, “Watch this, Sue,” and then strained and strained until I shit my pants. She thought I was having a stroke and tried to help me to a bench to sit down. Instead, I fell to the ground and grabbed a handful of feces from within my underpants. Sue backed away quickly, but not before I could smear the excrement onto the sidewalk and finger-paint her name into it. I haven’t seen Sue at the park since then. She sure was nice.

DA

If 100 divided by 2 were 42, what would 3 times 1°1 be?

LC

I find this question offensive. The racist stereotypes offend me.

DA

Who/what is the biggest dick in the universe? Whose asshole would it fit perfectly?

LC

The answer to both is Rosie O’Donnell.

DA

One TED talk a day keeps the _____________ away?

LC

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Which role will (or should) male genitalia play in the far future – dick-hacking, ass-splicing, bio-junk, interstellar engineering?

LC

Hat rack.

DA

„?“

LC

* (this is a picture of my asshole, it is not an asterisk.)

DA

At which point does Bizarro become an unacceptable transgreßion?

LC

When the good intentions of the few are overborne by the innate evil of the many.

DA

Is it possible that music is totally overrated?

LC

No.

DA

Could one say the same about athlete’s dick?

LC

Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

DA

What would you rather have invented – the Ö or the 1?

LC

I’ll always go with the umlaut because it is very metal.

DA

Why doesn’t the Canadian tech-metal band Martyr get the attention they deserve so much?

LC

Because Celine Dion, Brian Adams, and Nickelback all rock so much harder. Plus, I hear that sometimes Celine Dion receives anilingus on stage during her shows.

DA

How many spiders are needed to creep out one level-4 arachnophobe?

LC

This is a trick question. Fuck you.

DA

What is your favorite ____________?

LC

The Safety Dance.

DA

Bonus question: What’s your take on the following 8 Nonsemes?

Uppity is often nasty:
feisty his face,
spirited his mind,
showing us “THE” way.

Eventually, we all come to realife
that all of existence is just nature’s smile,
nothing but a silly pun
(resp. play on whores).

A small bag is wobbling
and thinking of nothing.
But then comes the laser beam
and burns its testicles right into the ground.

The deformed sheik kept screaming,
his geese kept glowing,
his orchards kept smelling
like Ray Donovan, season 2.

Him, who has liked you twice on mincehook,
show him your way of reluctance.
Raise him far above the living & the dead,
bend him into pieces.

LC

I suspect that this is a poem. Thank you, good night. (Drops mic).


Image source: (c)*

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