Frank Key is a writer and broadcaster based in London. He has been blogging at hootingyard.org for fifteen years, and his weekly radio programme is the longest-running show on Resonance104.4FM. Episodes are archived at https://www.mixcloud.com/Resonance/playlists/hooting-yard. Paperback anthologies of his prose are available via his website.
I am somewhat afraid of being afraid of yawning. What phobias are you most afraid of?
Do you happen to know the true identity of the Prosthetic One?
Ever tried to insert pogo eyes into an afrodimensional organ grinder’s hermaphrodisiacally sealed ultra-nostrils?
Would you recommend a sweat job as provided by the Neurodorant?
What is you latest “face 0” theory on suicide squawk pants?
Have you had the chance to taste the pubic eyes of King Hobong, Vagabong?
Can I interest you in a debt-inducing pet inventer?
How does it feel to be knee-high in concept as opposed to being dismembered by time?
Chow-Fun Jap’s understating lip anyone?
What’s so transcendent about James Ding’s expensive-looking ink sandwich?
Did Ersatz-Adolf Heckler’s going into hangoverdrive cause some kind of shrug imperative?
What’s the closet hobo’s usual modus operanha when you factor in the sound of a thumb-machinegun?
How is body-2-soul strangeness the main difference between misogyny and Miso soup?
Has puppet mustard’s schizophriendly dinosaura actually ever gotten anyone into the Monastery of Kaleidospulp?
Nouveau Trish No-Bobby vs. Children’s fog – who wins?
Sphincter brain, sniff of eyebrows and a bottle of crotch – an offer Lacan’t refuse, right?
How embarrassed are you by an average-lurking weirdo randomly stroking the system?
What would you rather do: Enjoy conductivity, exacerbate behinds or go on a minor killing Spreewaldgurken?
Where can I get 1 filthy maybe and 2 mouthfeet to go?
[Fight Homunculube Hammermouth smiling by numbers] + [Infamous worms applying hyper-logic to oyster bunnies] = [_________________________________]
Is bird mustache removal as painful as personality?
What does Oystrich need a guitar fist with a vibrating pinky for?
What is in your opinion the most erratic application of __________________?
Would you let an undercover lord perform invisible plasma-chicken surgery if custom-made, state-of-the-fart hypnausea were the only alternative?
Have you by any chance read Death of a Salmon by Salmon Rushour III? What about Death by Salmon? Salomon by Dr. Iveby?
Retina the Returner used to teach Grotechwondo, but now she is just another fish out of lipless worm grin – true or false?
Have you ever taken advanächte of Rumpelstilskin’s foreskin?
Where is my neon/neoff button?
Is mirroring clones roughly the same as cloning mirrors?
Insert ________________________________ here.
How does the ideology of prank-nodding thymbols relate to vomitear lobotomy?
What is the best solution if you’re fresh out of businessman diaper?
Could cellophoam concrete become the most versatile material ever if it weren’t for the shadow yawn of doom and the consequent phallus-phallus situation it helps maintaining?
I would happily answer some, or even all, of your questions, but unfortunately I am far far far too too busy abseiling, bird-watching, coughing, dribbling, egg-hatching and faffing about with glue, hornets, ice, jam, kevlar, lollipops, mud, nougat, owl-heads, putty, quartz, rust, sausages, talc, ullage, vinegar, whinchats, xysters, yoghurrt, and zombie-yoghurt. Things are reaching a critical phase, so I cannot afford interruptio-
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