Interview with Bizarro author William Pauley III.
DA
What are some of your most important aesthetic influences?
WPIII
First thing that comes to mind is a bug screen. I guess I can’t really state this as fact, but I’d imagine most people don’t think about how much bug screens affect and influence their everyday life. You’re sitting around the television and really enjoying whatever is on, then in wanders a bug, a moth of some sort, flying in the incredibly confused manner they all seem to, and it takes a little rest in the middle of your face. Its warm grubby body, the dust rolling off its wings — it can really take you out of the moment. This not only affects the amount of entertainment you get from television, but also books, and even food! Christ, nothing is possible without a bug screen secured firmly within your window frame. I damn sure wouldn’t get any writing done without them. I’d be too tired from swatting.
DA
What’s your view on fracking, if done by elbow?
WPIII
Well, now this is something I could talk about day and night. Fracking. However, at the risk of sounding preachy, I’m instead going to share with you an interesting fact about elbows. It is impossible to lick your own elbow. You’re thinking ‘bullshit,’ I know, but it’s true. It’s science! After discovering this, I became obsessed with the idea of tasting an elbow. I just wanted to try it. I think because it was impossible for me to achieve on my own, it made tasting it even more attractive to me, like it was some forbidden fruit. I ended up getting pretty hard up for it too, man. Got to where I was licking the elbows of strangers I’d pass in public, just for the rush. Even licked a few knees when elbows just weren’t happening. — This is conjuring up some serious negativity within me, so if it’s good with you, I’d like to move on to the next question.
DA
Would you like this interviewtf more if it had another title, like “No, Sir-iously,” or “’Have you explained your pupils to the cloud?’ I asked my ex-mom. But she was without vigor, she just stayed very calm and revised myhermy strangeness over and over again”?
WPIII
I would like this interview more if it was titled simply, “Strangeness Over and Over Again.”
DA
You don’t have to be gay to find penises fascinating. The comedy „Superbad,“ for instance, features some funky dickophilia moments. What do you think about enhancing (or encocking) classic films the way you enhance (or encock) newsies? Oskar Schindler smoking a dickarette, for fuck’s sake?
WPIII
I think this is a fantastic idea. If I had the time, I’d draw penises on all my favourite movie scenes. Peter Venkman once joked about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man relaxing a bit after getting laid. Maybe someone will draw one on ol’ softy and we’ll get to see if it’s true.
DA
What is the most (experimental) piece of art you’ve ever enjoyed?
WPIII
Mulholland Drive.
DA
If 100 divided by 2 were 42, what would 3 times 1°1 be?
WPIII
Seven.
DA
Who/what is the biggest dick in the universe? Whose asshole would it fit perfectly?
WPIII
This is quite an ambitious question. I couldn’t give you an honest answer, seeing as how I simply just don’t know what types of wild creatures are out there in the universe, let alone how well endowed they are. I’ll give it a guess though. Probably Jesus. And the asshole it would fit perfectly into would be everyone’s, but I’m willing to bet he prefers Santa’s. He has a magic bag, you know.
DA
One TED talk a day keeps the _____________ away?
WPIII
DVD sales? I mean, they’d have to. With a new one every day, people aren’t going to pay for that shit.
DA
Which role will (or should) male genitalia play in the far future – dick-hacking, ass-splicing, bio-junk, interstellar engineering?
WPIII
I like the idea of dick-hacking. Think of all the trouble that would cause! As for other future phallic-tech, that’s a toughy. I mean, we already have dicks that inflate via a two finger compress on a bulb pump, like an old pair of Reeboks, so the future is probably going to be filled with all kinds of dick-related nonsense. Likely something to do with guns. Men love guns. Maybe with the help of technology, we will one day be able to incorporate guns into our own genitalia, no longer classifying them as a weapon, but as a piece of our biology. It’s funny until you realize it might actually happen someday.
DA
„?“
WPIII
Seven.
DA
At which point does Bizarro become an unacceptable transgreßion?
WPIII
There’s a good bit of it that already falls into this category. I tend to like more serious bizarro. Something that makes me think and/or gets my imagination speeding at a million miles per minute. Bizarro gets a bad rap in literary circles because there are so many shitty bizarro books being published, but they aren’t all shitty. In fact, some of them are quite brilliant. Those will be the ones that stand the test of time.
DA
Is it possible that music is totally overrated? Could one say the same about athlete’s dick?
WPIII
Yes, anything is possible. I like music though. I’ve never tried athlete’s dick, but it sounds like it requires ointment.
DA
What would you rather have invented – the Ö or the 1?
WPIII
I prefer the 0 to the 1. 1s are pretentious assholes.
DA
Why doesn’t the Canadian tech-metal band Martyr get the attention they deserve so much?
WPIII
Because God is punishing them. They know why.
DA
How many spiders are needed to creep out one level-4 arachnophobe?
WPIII
Seven.
DA
What is your favorite ____________?
WPIII
Leather gloves.
DA
Bonus question: What’s your take on the following 8 Nonsemes?
God gave me a special nothing.
God gave me neither mercy
nor the question mark
nor animals for hug purposes.
Why did Mahao-Mahao, this ultra-laumy little man,
cross the street? He must have seen something.
Possibly some holistic improbability of perfect dissonance:
Focus whore.
There is a flying thing in the evening skies.
A round, luerrey object.
What is written in capital letters on its hull?
“UFO.”
A little man named Juch
wrote into his diary once:
“December morning, cold. Winter.
About to eat Harold’s printer.”
Hearts pumping bloody
adefish thoughts.
Swirling carafes among them,
filled with kisses as well as other, more ridiculous stuff.
WPIII
If Kanye raps it, I’ll buy it.
DA
„!“
WPIII
Yeah, okay. Bye now.
Image source: (c) WPIII