Novelle

Headquarters for Experimentalism

The Venusian Road Rage Blues

By Bruce Taylor.

“As long as one has the capacity of wonder, therein lies hope.”

Would you look at that! Would you look at that! sn’t that a—yeah, yeah, Wow! It’s Subie SVX! A ’94 Subie SVX! God, what a car! Speedometer goes up to 160! Wish I could get a—

Shit! Cut off by a semi!

Always wanted one but Angela said no go– gotta have a friggen’ station wagon–

damn it you jerk! Served you right if I slammed into your rear end and mess up big time your sweet little Beemer!

Oh, God—stopped on I-5 and it’s only 1 pm! How’d this traffic get so bad? How much gas–oh, God, less than a quarter-tank–can I get to an exit–oh, shit–next one is miles away at Northgate–OK, OK, we’re moving again.

God, look at that honey in the Jetta! Glad I’m alone today and Angela has the kids. She always gets pissed when I look at women–don’t know why–hey! Hey there you honey-haired Jetta Ladee, come over here and sit on my face! Gruntgruntgrunt! Oh, how I wish! I mean Angela’s OK but I need it a lot more than she–oh, fuck. Now what? Stopped again. Damn.

I wonder if they got traffic jams on Venus? Was it Venus or Mars that had the civilizations and the oceans? Some writer I heard about in school before Angela got pregnant and I had to start working at the transfer station. Lucky to get a job that paid $20.19 an hour with benefits and a pension. Who was that—

God damn it you moron! You’re supposed to signal before you cut in front of me!

Some writer–Gene Randbury No, no–he did Star Trek! Oh, yeah, Jay Brandenbury! Yeah, yeah, Jay Brandenbury! He wrote a lotta stuff about Mars and Venus. Never read his stuff but heard about him. Almost really got into reading but ol’ Taverscham–great teacher, always saying cool things at the start of class. One was—what was it? Oh, crap! I even wrote it down–something about if you can wonder, you have hope.and there was another I wrote down–

God dammit you butthole, get off my butt! Yeah, yeah, If I slam on my brakes and you plow into me, it’s your fault, buddy!

–some other saying that–what was it? “The first love is justice, for in the quest of justice is the understanding of treating others as we ourselves want to be treated.” Was that it? Something like that. But when he set us down with reading Pride and Prejudice, what, I was thirteen. Killed reading for me. Never picked up a book again. Felt too dumb.

Yeah, Venus–almost thought about reading Brandenbury but guess memories of Pride and Prejudice are still with me, but I heard that he wrote about Venus a lot and I bet they don’t have traffic jams on Venus. Wonder what it’s like there? Wonder if they got a National Football League? Wonder if they’re hassling with air pollution and global warming? Maybe they solved it? I know it’s a problem. That’s where Fox News got it wrong– -anyone with two eyeballs can see that things ain’t right–

Huh! Wonder where my Jetta sweetheart went? She looked what, nineteen? Twenty?

God, what a honey sure wish–

you asshole! No I’m not going to let you in fronta me!

Oh, crap! Only two lanes left ahead! Damn! Gotta let this bozo in front of me, those assholes who drive the Lexus think they own the road! No wonder there’s so much road rage! People are just inconsiderate. Sure am glad I can keep my cool. So many reasons to lose it and then—

OK, buttfucker, c’mon, c’mon, squeeze in. You fucking jerk!

Things just gotta be better on Venus–this traffic sucks and Angela still pissed at me for being so late yesterday–didn’t mean to be, traffic again. Seattle has what, fourth? Fifth? worst traffic the US?

Damn. Stopped again. What a way to spend my day off– going to Fred Meyer and picking up paper towels, toilet paper–

Now I wish I woulda stayed in school. Disappointed Pop when I dropped out. What’d he say?– Oh, yeah, “So hoping you wouldn’t do what I did–“

Oh, God, what miserable traffic! And look at all these cars with just one person in them! What’s that all about?

Gotta be better somewhere else. Maybe when we colonize Venus, things will get better here! Bet they don’t have any traffic problems there! Maybe my kids will go there–maybe they’ll have a house overlooking that big canyon or the view of that big volcano! Bet skiing would be terrific!

Damn! Stopped again!

Wonder if there was an accident up ahead? Probably. Probably some distracted goofball on a cell phone. What the hell is wrong with people? You can’t drive distracted–

Ding-ding-ding-a-ling—

Oh. Crap! My cell phone! Well, I’m stopped. I can answer it.

Ding-ding-ding-a-ling—

Where did I put–?

Ding-ding-ding-a-ling–

No. Not front shirt pocket–

Ding—ling, ding-ding-ding-a-ling-

Where the God damn hell? Oh, crap it’s on the damn floor! OK, traffic still stopped. Got it.

“Hello–? Oh hi, yeah. I got everything. The cat food? You didn’t say anything about–no you didn’t–what potatoes? Look, look I got the damn list right here! It says ‘ Bananas oranges, paper towels, cat–ah, shit! Ah, crap! OK, OK, I’m sorry–yeah, I coulda sworn–yeah, yeah, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’m stuck on I-5. Get home when I get there. Sorry. Yeah. Bye.”

Shit!

And In the meantime, here I am on I-5, traffic stopped, hope I don’t run outta gas but hey, it’s the lady in the Jetta again! Wow. Well. Not on Venus right now but hey, view of this be-YOO-ti-ful heavenly body sure ain’t bad!

Hey, honey! Wanna come to Venus with me? Gotta be a whole lot better there then it is right here.

Just gotta be.

Oh, damn! Now I gotta pee!

Bildquelle: (c) DA

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